Differentiate
Definition: to form or mark differently from other such things; distinguish
Distinguish…It’s highly relevant right now, as founders and companies consider how to attract the best people.
So the real question right now is, “How do you actually distinguish yourself in this market?”
And no, I’m not talking about what tweet you post, which outlet quotes you, which video podcast pumps out the same replaying knowledge with the same cast of characters, or which launch video your PR firm just shipped. I’m talking about how you distinguish who you are as a CEO or an executive to the people you actually want to work with.
Because the market is…bonkers. The Kool-Aid is flowing, and there are many flavors to pick from.
People are trying all kinds of things:
“We don’t interview, we just get to know people.”
“Invite your friends to our office, don’t worry, we aren’t trying to recruit them.”
“We’ll pay anyone $20k if they refer someone”
“Let’s have someone write a blog about how our culture is so different.”
Insert flashy gimmick here.
And here.
And here.
Sure, this stuff can give you a pop; many of these tactics might even create inbound, but most of these are short-lived and not sustainable once you have to think about margins, have to sell outside of the typical VC-backed tech companies, put metrics in place to measure teams, etc.
The real differentiator, the one that compounds over time, is building actual, authentic relationships with people (CAN YOU IMAGINE!?!)
This sounds obvious. And yet, if you’re used to operating in a transactional environment, it can feel oddly foreign. Move fast. Tell the person what they want to hear. Close fast. On to the next.
You could argue that for certain profiles, say, a world-class AI researcher, this might matter less. Put enough money in front of someone and, yes, it can work. I’m not naïve; we are watching days of our lives unfold among certain companies that shall not be named. But even outside of the money, there are likely some other reasons for the move (just check out your favorite source of tech scoop).
But for most of the top 10%, the people with real options, there are multiple motivations. This could be the up-and-comer who doesn’t have a flashy brand behind them, or the experienced executive who maybe is at a 30% YoY growing company but is loyal to their team. They want to work with people they trust. People who know them. People who have taken the time to understand what they want in their next chapter.
For some leaders, this is innate. For others, it’s a muscle you have to build, intentionally.
If you fall into the second bucket, here’s how to do it.
And if this all sounds painfully basic to you, feel free to stop reading (truly, no offense). The reality is that this is a learned skill for many highly accomplished people.
1. Figure out who is actually worth the time
Don’t build relationships indiscriminately.
This isn’t about being elitist; it’s about being disciplined. Qualification matters. Use your network. Use trusted referrals. Use a search partner if needed. However you do it, figure this out before you start investing real time and energy.
The best relationship builders are also very good at focus.
2. Build a real relationship (not a “check-in”)
If you try to pull a top-performing executive into a search when:
They aren’t looking, you have no relationship, and there’s no real rapport…the odds are not great (unless someone else in the search process has a relationship with them)
Why would someone leave something good for a stranger?
And by relationship, I don’t mean “we had coffee once.” I mean getting to know the person, not just the executive. Questions like -
What motivates you?
How do you make decisions?
What do you care about more now than you did five years ago?
What do you wish you had more time for right now?
What’s something you wish people asked you more often?
What kinds of problems do you find yourself gravitating toward?
You don’t need to interrogate them in meeting one. Please don’t. These things surface naturally if you’re curious and paying attention. Over time, this context helps you connect who they are to what you’re building.
3. Listen. Actually listen. And take notes.
You can take notes during the meeting or after, I don’t care how. Make that meeting in person, but asking someone the same question in multiple conversations is a quick way to signal you weren’t listening.
I’ve personally disengaged from people for this reason alone. It tells me they’re checking a box, not building a relationship.
Don’t check the box. Be present. If in person, avoid the AI notetaker unless there is a specific reason. If you are genuinely interested in getting to know the person, you can handle remembering the conversation.
4. Make it personal
Did you read something that made you think of them? Send it.
Did you hit a milestone you talked about together? Share it.
Do you know one of their hobbies/interests? A personalized gift around a birthday or holiday is incredibly thoughtful.
Relationships are built on mutual rapport and genuine care. They’re also built when people feel remembered and included. This stuff matters more than people think. It also matters to the people you work with, but a separate post on that some other time.
5. Set reminders to stay in touch
If this doesn’t come naturally to you, build a system that does.
Set reminders. Use a CRM. AI is great these days! Keep notes. Do whatever you need to do to stay consistent. Intentional always beats accidental.
6. Be clear about why you’re staying in touch
People can tell when they’re being “kept warm”.
You don’t need an ask every time, but you do need clarity, at least with yourself. Are you learning from them? Building toward something long-term? Exploring a future partnership?
Remember = Transparency reads as respect.
7. Give before you need anything
This is where most people fall down.
Make an introduction. Share relevant insight. Offer perspective. Be helpful in a way that’s proportional and genuine.
The best relationships feel useful long before they feel opportunistic.
8. Create continuity between conversations
Don’t treat each meeting like a reset.
“Last time we spoke, you were thinking about…”
“You mentioned you were curious about…”
This signals that you remember, you care, and you’re tracking them over time. It’s surprisingly rare and very differentiating.
9. Once you have a genuine relationship - be real, not polite.
Polite relationships are easy. They’re also forgettable.
If you’re actually building something real with someone, you eventually have to drop the “pleasant professional” act. Say the thing you’re thinking. Ask the question you’re actually curious about.
Depth comes from paying attention when the person on the other end has that moment, “Oh, this isn’t just another transactional relationship.”
10. Now, how do I recruit this person or executive?
That’s usually the question people ask next. The honest answer: if someone is exceptional, you rarely “recruit” them with a cold ask to interview. By that point, the relationship should already exist.
The real point of this piece is simpler. Relationships matter.
How to recruit is a whole separate post :)